Unknown Costs Of Church Weddings

I've told this story before, but it bears repeating.

A few years ago, my cousin Erica got married. In New York. In March. A week before her wedding, I was sitting with my grandma as it was snowing. "Text Erica and tell her to give the church a bigger donation so they will turn the heat on for her wedding," my grandma said.

I did and my cousin wrote back, saying she already paid the church a lot.

That was the first time I had heard about paying a church to have your wedding there. In fact, my cousin didn't know about that until the church asked for money during wedding month. And, really, you don't often have extra money lying around during wedding month.

So you don't get surprised, I put together this list of unknown costs of church weddings.

Unknown Costs Of Church Weddings

Church.
This is a given. You have to pay for wherever you are having your ceremony, and a church is the same way. You are renting a space, which requires electricity, heat or air conditioning, someone to clean it up before or after, etc. So it makes sense that you have to pay for it.

We got married at the church I attended every week. When I set our wedding date, they asked if I was a parishioner. I was, but not officially. Well, the cost for parishioners was less than non-parishioners. And becoming one only meant I had to fill out a paper, since I was already coming every week.

You better believe that I filled out that form.

Priest.
Oh, the priest. I always feel like the church takes care of his "salary" and "retirement," but yet, once a year I get an envelope to donate to the priest's retirement. So it should be no surprise (although it was) that weddings are not exactly just part of the priest's salary. Instead, you have to pay him.

Okay. Not pay exactly. They called it a suggested gift, one that was asked for at our rehearsal. So not so much suggested, as loosely suggested but most required.

Alter server.
The priest needs help performing the ceremony. And who better to help than an alter server who does it every week. Oh sure, maybe you have a friend or family member who can sub in. But if the church where your ceremony is isn't their home church, they might not know where everything is or how, exactly, the priest does things. So it's easier to just pay a server from the church and save everyone a headache.

Organist.
If you're having music, someone has to play it ... and you have to pay it.

Soloist.
Same with the soloist (aka the singer). You may be able to bring your own, but that would mean coordinating with your soloist and the church organist. And the organist may charge you for that rehearsal time, so keep that in mind.

With a soloist the church recommends, you know she's probably sang these wedding songs a bunch of times. I really wanted Ave Maria sang, and our soloist had done it countless times at weddings before, so I knew it would be great. You don't want to have to worry that someone you choose will hit a few bum notes.

Liturgical assistant.
The rehearsal and wedding morning are a little hectic. The liturgical assistant is a pro and has done many weddings before yours. She is the reason everything will go smoothly and everyone will walk down the aisle when they should. Ours also was a big help with pinning on boutineers. But, yes, you have to pay her.

Flowers.
This is an odd one. You probably want to pay for flowers to go on the alter. We did.

After the ceremony, though, there was a suggestion (yes, same meaning of "suggestion" as before) to leave them behind as a donation to the church. We agreed. It made sense, though. I didn't feel like putting someone in charge of collecting them and the pew flowers, so we just left them as a donation.

BRIDAL BABBLE: What other unknown costs of church wedding did you have?

Planning a church wedding?

Be sure to read our

What Exactly Is Pre-Cana? (And answers to all your other marriage prep questions) post.

What Exactly Is Pre-Cana? (And answers to all your other marriage prep questions)

I grew up Catholic, going to church every Sunday, and it became something that was really important to me. So of course, there was never a doubt that I was going to be married in a church. I knew that meant we would have to take Pre-Cana classes but, honestly, I didn't even know what that meant.

I tried googling, but there wasn't really any comprehensive post about what Pre-Cana is, so I figured I would put one together. Plus, I have a long list of questions answered at the end. Now, just for the record: This is all based on our Pre-Cana experience. I don't work for a church and I'm not associated with any Pre-Cana programs.

What exactly is Pre-Cana?

Pre-Cana, if that term is completely unfamiliar to you, is pre-wedding preparation that must be completed prior to getting married in the church. Most churches will refer to it as Pre-Cana, however some diocese have adopted the a more modern term "marriage prep."

Small aside: Cana was the location of the wedding feast where Jesus turned water into wine. That's where the name Pre-Cana comes from.

Our Pre-Cana course was one full day, beginning at 9am and running until about 3pm. Many churches will split this over multiple days (as either a weekend retreat or just multiple sessions) or even require you to attend a course over a six-month period of time. Because of this, you need to check with your church to get the outline of its Pre-Cana course. That will help you set your timeline of when you need to get this done.

What do you do at Pre-Cana?

At the very core of it, Pre-Cana is a way for couples to open a dialogue and discuss topics that need to be discussed before getting married: fiances, children, faith, career, etc. These may be topics that you have already discussed, but I think they're ones that couples try to avoid. It's not very romantic to sit down with your husband and decide who is going to balance the checkbook for the rest of your lives. But it's something that you need to decide because if you both hate knowing how much money is in your bank account, or if one of you just spends until you get an overdraft letter to stop you, that's something that can cause a conflict in your marriage. Pre-Cana starts that dialogue for you.

Our Pre-Cana class was very structured. We all said our names, wedding date, where we were from, and our faith, and then we did a lot of listening. We were given a  "Together for Life" booklet and a "Fully Engaged" workbook.

There was an opening prayer followed by a theology of marriage clergy talk, given by the father of the church. We then had a workbook exercise on differences, division of labor, and family origin.

A married couple then came to give us a talk on finance, career, and stewardship. The man actually spoke about how he would ask for a women's credit score on their first date. It's the sort of question that would cause me to not have a second date with a man, but the woman's answer sometimes resulted in him not wanting a second date. He just wanted to make sure that woman wouldn't drag his great credit score down. And that's silly, in theory, because you should fall in love with a man, not his wallet. But, realistically, his credit score will weigh on you, and vice versa. Do you know your man's spending habits? Does he know if you have tons of student loans? These topics, while dull and unromantic, will come up in the future when you are trying to buy a house and it's important to discuss them.

After the chat, we had a workbook exercise on fiances. We each went to separate rooms to fill out the worksheet, then reconvened to compare our answers. Anything that didn't match was something we discussed at length.

The next couple spoke about the sacraments of marriage and prayer life. That was the most powerful. The couple wasn't a picture perfect pair who had everything amazing happen to them. It was a real couple who, very honestly, shared their personal story with us. It forced everyone to acknowledge that marriage isn't always sunshine and roses, but that does not mean that you give up.

We then did a worksheet on the sacrament of marriage.

Then we had lunch.

And lots of beverages, apparently.

Next was a talk on communication and conflict resolution, plus a workshop. I think this was the easiest of them all, really. If you're in a relationship long enough to decide that you want to get married, you've gone through conflicts. You know how to resolve them.

According to my paper, we had a Five Love Languages video and exercise next, but I can't remember it. At all. Like not even one little bit.

The last talk was natural family planning. The woman who gave the talk was really knowledgeable and open. It was the most faith based of the talks, but it was an important topic no matter what your faith. You and your husband need to discuss if you're going to have children -- and what your plan for having (or not having) them is and how you will raise them. This is something you should discuss before you bring a child into the world. As with the other talks, there was a worksheet that followed.

After, we wrote a love letter to each other. I had always said I had no plans to write our vows, but this was pretty close. Following a day of being really open and honest with each other and discussing things that couples should, you got to write a letter to each other. I still have the one Pete wrote me. It was just so sweet and touching.

There was a closing prayer, we got a certificate to give to our church, and that was that.

What do you do after Pre-Cana?

There is an online questionnaire that you fill out. It asks you a bunch of questions that stem from what you discussed at Pre-Cana and you answer either agree, disagree, or undecided. You and your fiance have to answer separately so you don't cheat off each other. The results are then sent to your church. You make an appointment and sit down with a couple from the church who explains the questionnaire to you, then leaves you alone to go over the answers.

The purpose of this is not to tell you that you can't get married. The church won't step in for that, no matter how many of your answers match (or don't). It is just to show you any red flags that might appear that you should discuss.

This is the only time you see your results. You do not get a copy of the test to compare notes down the road. They're not around for posterity. You can't say, "Remember during Pre-Cana you said ... " and then bring the results out for evidence of flip flopping. This is just a vehicle to get you and your fiance to talk; it's not something to hold over each other's heads later in life.

Pre-Cana Questions

1. Do you have to do Pre-Cana at your own church?
No. You're also not required to do it in your own diocese even.

2. Is it free?
Ours wasn't. Our course cost us $125. Your fee may vary based on your church and diocese.

3. Do you have to go together?
Yes, you and your fiance must both attend at the same time.

4. Is Pre-Cana required?
Only if you want to get married in a Catholic church.

5. When do you do it?
The timeline is up to you, but the Pre-Cana classes and time you sit to discuss your questionnaire results must be completed before you get married.

6. How long is Pre-Cana?
Ours was about six hours, beginning at 9am and running until about 3pm.

6. Was it worth it?
Absolutely. Even couples who have been together for years or even living together can benefit from this. It's all marriage-based and very little faith-based. We went in not knowing what, exactly, to expect and I think it was definitely a benefit for us. Pete doesn't come to church with me on Sundays, but he even saw the benefits of Pre-Cana.

BRIDAL BABBLE: Have any other Pre-Cana questions? Leave them in the comments and I'll be sure to answer as best I can.

Pre-cana is good even if you're not Catholic.

Check out Pete's post: Why Pre-Cana Is Beneficial (even if you're not religious).